I have changed my site’s domain names a couple of time. Started off from Multiply, and then to eventually WordPress. When Multiply mentioned about closing down for good, I managed to export all my posts and comments but the images went haywire, hence some of my older posts don’t have any images. Still trying to rectify some old posts. Procrastination at its best and on-going work in progress. So basically, my life is an open book. I rant the good, the bad and the ugly parts of my life. I don’t share the details but it’s just an avenue where I am able to let out. I’m no Jane Austen or Ernest Hemmingway when it comes to writing but I just enjoy sharing.
2 years back, when I started on my IVF journey, I was more than happy to share – the procedure, costs, the emotional roller coaster ride, etc. Not many sites in Singapore have it except in pregnancy forums. I felt that IVF was somewhat a taboo subject to some but if you have issues like me (lots of them), IVF was an alternative and it’s my way of trying and not giving up. I also chance upon Dyan who was also going through the same process with me. I was jumping with joy when I found out that I was pregnant with twins. Trying to listen to my parents, I did not share the news publicly till after the 3 months mark (coz I want to – who wouldn’t! Happy news what!). Most of my posts before were password protected and only a handful of people knew. But no matter how careful I was, it was not meant to be – I had a fall and that eventually lead to the twins being delivered prematurely. If HE says its not your time yet, I guess it never will be.
Some of my friends did tell me that if I were to start again my trying-to-conceive (TTC) journey again, it should be a hush hush affair. Even when I posted a picture of my late twins grave on my personal Instagram, I get friends asking me why I share those kind of post. Why do I need to tell people what I am feeling. I know they mean well but it’s just me. It’s just how I cope with my feelings – be it good or bad. I understand their concern and I understand that not everyone has to know… Bear with me on the explanation… I have a point, I promise!
So, after I have un-privatized the protected posts on my IVF journey, I get random people writing in to me asking me things like the detailed process, the emotions I go through, the food/medication I take, etc. There is no right or wrong way to approach your journey in trying to conceive, pregnancy, etc. Different people has a different threshold, body immunity, etc. And most of these people are just like me! They have issues as well, they are going through a rough patch, failed IVFs, failed IUIs, or even miscarriages. Like me, they are just trying to find answers, a sense of comfort to know that they are not alone going through this journey. I have people telling me that they find some sense of encouragement to try again or go through their journey when they read my experiences. Some also asks if they could exchange numbers with me and alhamdullilah, so far we keep in touch via WhatsApp and they somehow in turn become friends. Some of them went through their process successfully and are now with cute lil’ babies! I am truly happy for them.
Yes, I am afraid to share my TTC journey, just because I am afraid that it will be another failed attempt – the disappointment, the “why-me!” moments and “what-if” moments as well. I’ll always remember what my late mother-in-law said to me – Whatever that I am going through right now, there are other people who are having it much worse than what I am facing. To know that my posts is helping people in one way or another, it makes me happy. Everybody has their own trials and tribulations, it’s just a matter how you face them. Yes, it is easier said than done but eventually when you have calmed yourself down and trust HIM, it will get better.
With that said and my point is that I am happy to share my journey in life, in TTC, coz I know, I find myself googling for answers/explanations and once in a while, I chance upon a blog/site that has that and I am thankful for their posts. I just hope that when I eventually take the next step to try again, Insya-Allah, if it’s my time to bear one, I shall.